"I need help! And a pony!”

"That's the shit emoji. You know the turd with the smiling face and the eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long"

"Do you know how they say cancer in Spanish ?"

“Ride a bitch’s back like Yoda on Luke.”

“It reeks like old lady pants in here.”

"Life is an endless series of train wrecks with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness"

"Cue the music"

"A-Poc-Key-Lips. I think I found my new favorite word!”

"I look like a testicle with teeth."

"Oh, come on. You're gonna leave me all alone here with less angry Rosie O'Donnell?"

“You don’t need to be a superhero to get the girls. You just need one woman to bring out the superhero in you.”

"Negasonic Teenage... what the shit? That's the coolest name ever!"

"Shit, did I leave the stove on?"

“You look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.”

“I was just memorizing her face, thinking it might be the last time I see it.”

“My common sense is tingling.”

“If that hit you in the chest, I’m sorry. I was aiming for your crotch.”

"Look-- I'm a teenage girl. I'd rather be anywhere but here. I'm all about long sullen silence, followed by mean comments, followed by long sullen silence"

“Shenanigans? Did you just curse me out in Irish?”

“You look like your an avocado that had sex with an older avocado but it was like hate sex.”

"I've played a lot of roles, damsel in distress ain't one of them."

"Why, hello gorgeous"

“Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex…”

"I prefer "Well-Compensated Establishment Provocateur."

"All the dinosaurs fear the T-Rex"

“She’s like the Batman to my Robin, but old, black, blind, and in love with me. Although I’m pretty sure Robin loves Batman.”

"One thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor."

"I think you'd agree that shit just went sideways in the most colossal way"

"His name is Francis, he got his name from a soap dish"

"Love is a beautiful thing. When you find it, your whole world will taste like daffodil daydream"

"I never said this but don't swallow"

"My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy in a fucking kebab"

"I gotta take you back long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex"